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In my haste to tell you all about the dinner scene, I forgot to mention his surprise illness! Before we left SC, my wife specifically asked her parents if they were sick or felt bad. Neither one mentioned any illnesses so we figured we could have a healthy holiday for once. When we arrived, FA started talking about this terrible stomach bug he's had since Saturday. Before my wife went ballistic, she asked why he didn't say anything when she talked to them about it the night before? "Oh, I didn't know that's what you were asking about." I looked at my wife and said "proceed." She lit into him like he attacks a pie. She threatened his life if he gets her sick.

Fast forward to this morning. My wife woke up and scrambled to the bathroom. She is the new, proud owner of FA's stomach bug.
 

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In my haste to tell you all about the dinner scene, I forgot to mention his surprise illness! Before we left SC, my wife specifically asked her parents if they were sick or felt bad. Neither one mentioned any illnesses so we figured we could have a healthy holiday for once. When we arrived, FA started talking about this terrible stomach bug he's had since Saturday. Before my wife went ballistic, she asked why he didn't say anything when she talked to them about it the night before? "Oh, I didn't know that's what you were asking about." I looked at my wife and said "proceed." She lit into him like he attacks a pie. She threatened his life if he gets her sick.

Fast forward to this morning. My wife woke up and scrambled to the bathroom. She is the new, proud owner of FA's stomach bug.
I don't know if you are a drinker or not, but it is in times such as your situation, that I find myself becoming really tight with Jim Beam. When my in laws come into town, I always make sure I have a bottle of whiskey on hand. It usually isn't long after they arrive before I find myself having to pour a drink. :)
 

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That is when you go buy some N/A beer, then add some whiskey to it... Say it's non alcoholic.
 
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This thread reminds me that I'm lucky that I get along with my inlaws.

Shadow, you in the military and coming up on a PCS? (I thought you said you were)
 

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Damn. Sounds like you have a couple more years of being within driving distance of the FA then. (although 11 13 hours is a haul)

Does your wife have any siblings that they could visit instead for holidays or are you and the kids it?
 

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She has a useless brother, but he lives in Dallas. He spent his 20s living at home, sleeping all day and playing World of Warcraft by night.

Honestly, it doesn't matter where we move to, he will do whatever it takes to make me miserable.
 

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Deep breaths....I'd go for a long term plan...kill him with kindness and bacon...LOTS OF BACON....make as much as he'll eat every morning. His heart can't possibly take much more.
 

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So here's what happened yesterday.

I got up early because I'm not lazy and I'm used to Eastern time. I have a few errands to run, so I try sneaking out without waking anyone up. As I'm walking down the stairs, I hear the living room TV and FA snoring, so I snake around and go into the kitchen. I'm doing my best ninja impression as I grab a banana and try to head out. Next thing I know, the lights come on and FA is standing there with a stupid grin on his face. "Morning, Mr. ________." I hate this greeting. He says it to me all the time and butchers my last name. I asked what he was doing up so early and he said he heard someone rummaging around in the kitchen. People, I tell you I made absolutely no sound coming down the stairs and walking into the kitchen. He is so focused on food that he can hear a bread crumb hit the floor from a mile away! I'm already tired of conversing with him, so I take my banana and leave.

I get back to their house around 8:15, and I hear the bathroom fan... Oh, no. This is his special bathroom, the one right off the kitchen. As I try to sprint by, I hear the unmistakable sound of an orca who is fighting the affects of consuming a 55-gallon drum of Colon Blow. I wretch at the sound and smell. It's at this point that I went upstairs to start plotting my suicide.

Because of family obligations, we had to open presents with the wife's grandparents yesterday. The were slated to arrive around 10, but didn't get here until 11:30 because of the weather. FA always goes to the grocery store, always. Around 9:30, my daughter asks him to play a game with her, but he tells her he's got to take a shower and head out to the store. She accepted his excuse and went on about her business. For the next 45 minutes, he sat at his computer listening to music and playing a card game. The MIL came looking for him because she needed the groceries to make lunch. She nearly blew a gasket when she found him. His excuse was that he didn't know what time it was. BS. There's a clock on the computer, and there's another clock right in front of him. Needless to say, he finally got cleaned up.

Fast forward to lunch. He's been sick and he thinks he's going to be the first in line. Common sense would dictate that ill persons will either go last or have a plate made for them. He wasn't having either of those options. He reached his hand down right in the middle of the chicken and grabbed a piece before anyone else could. That's when we all lost it on him. He was scolded like a little child, but he didn't care. He was thinking there wouldn't be any left for him, and it made him sad. Because of this, I had a peanut butter and jelly sandwich for lunch. During the middle of his feeding, he blurts out what he thought was the best. Mind you, no one was talking at this time because we were all still pissed at him for ruining the chicken.

Immediately after lunch, colon expulsion number two occurred. We all tried to get him to go upstairs, but he wasn't having any of it. That's his favorite bathroom, which is ironic because it's so tiny. We turned on the radio to drown out the sound, but it was of little help. Nothing could be done to take away the stench.

When he exited the crime scene, he did his normal "whew" and left the door open for all to enjoy. The MIL yelled at him to spray air freshener and to close the door, but he ignored her.

I'm going to fast forward through opening gifts. He was making his usual dumb comments about people loving this and that, and mentioning how hungry he was.

So, it's dinner time. We're slowly gathering in the kitchen to make ourselves a plate of holiday goodness. He waddled in and complained about having nothing to eat. There was plenty of food left over from lunch, and they still had a pork chop and noodles from the day before. He didn't like the sound of that, so he left. No one really said anything because I believe we were all happy that he left. About 10 minutes later, I asked my wife what Chinese dish she thought he'd be bringing home. Lo mein, she said. Shortly thereafter, in walks FA with a large container of lo mein. We nailed it! He proudly announced what he was having for dinner, and proceeded to eat out of the container.

After dinner, I spent the rest of the night away from him. I'm at my breaking point already. Just two more days...
 
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